The pain of the domestic violence; control, degradation; rape; sadistic acts of perversion, simply added to the nightmares I was already carrying around. For years I didn't talk to anyone about what had happened or what was happening in my life. All of this violence was just a natural way of life for me. From one terrorizing moment to the next; never knowing if they would smile & hug me or instead punch, kick, choke or threaten to kill me. I lived that way until my late thirties. One violent, controlling relationship after another. In my book I address this fact as; "Did they choose me because I was damaged or did I choose them because I was too damaged to see their truth?" Its hard to break away from things we have been taught, just as we were taught not to talk about these crimes against us and carry the haunting secrets. Sometimes the violence becomes a way of understood life and it is the path that you tend to follow; simply because you know no other way.
When I was 37 I went to my first therapist. I had so much pent up that he had to teach me how to breathe all over again. I had to re-learn how to feel these emotions and face them in the night. As I grew in therapy I began to open my mouth about a lot of things. Finally I found the strength to say that I wouldn't live that life any longer. My children and I needed to be safe. My son was 12, my daughters were 10 & 7. They were learning to accept violence and constant turmoil in their lives. Somehow I had to find the strength to break away from what I had accepted as normal all my life.
It took about six months of therapy before I could gain the strength to leave my last abusive husband. It was the last beating I would take and one that has come back to haunt my life with a disability. When I broke free though, there was this amazing feeling of personal strength. I was determined to give my children a better life than what I had survived. When I broke away I started talking. I telephoned my stepfather for the specific purpose of telling him how much I hated him and how he had destroyed who I was meant to be. Later little bits would be given to my mother for her ignorance and total blindness of the incest & beating - even rape by shotgun barrel.
As I started confronting my past a new burst of strength would fill my soul. Each time I accepted the feelings of a nightmare & came through it unharmed; I was amazed at myself. It is such a painful process and I'm in no way suggesting that anyone go and confront their abuser, more than not; they won't acknowledge what they've done anyway. Many times they will try to put it back on you, even if the abuse occurred at a young age. The predators do not have the courage to admit what they have done to us or accept any blame for our pain. If you can face it and let it pass through your body then you will find strength on the other side. It will be a challenge you have succeeded!!!
Silence of the abuse is the cage they trap us in because they don't want anyone to know the truth about them. Instead they put that burden on us as children, or battered partners, to carry their secret life of torture, but as you grow you will find your voice. You will be able to relieve your internal pain by releasing that secret. You will often hurt those you love by speaking out. My entire family has shut me out because I have chosen to be honest about my life and what actually happened inside our family home. If you choose to confront be prepared for what might happen. It can be a very difficult process and one that should be discussed with a therapist first. They will help you find a way to express all of your pain. It takes time, especially if the abuse was evil and violent. Remember that survivors are strong because they came through more than others could possibly imagine and are still able to move forward with their life; instead of being trapped in their nightmare. Find a safe way to release your secret and feel the power of strength come through as you open up. It is a sense of peace & comfort in your soul. If you know a survivor of abuse, let them know that you are there for them; that you have empathy for their pain and will help them through the process of recovery. God Bless, stay strong. Protect and love yourself as you do others.
Remember; "If we continue to carry the secrets; attached to them will be the shame of what happened. Free yourself of that shame, because you have done nothing wrong. It is never your shame to carry. It is their secret of torture and life destroyed."
We all want for safety in our lives, in our homes. We all deserve a safe place to lay down our heads. Don't allow the nightmares of the past to destroy the dreams of your future.
May you be blessed with inner peace and happiness!
We all deserve the roses in our garden of life!
