There is always the distress with relationship scars of mistrust; we either over trust or we don't trust at all. Also there are emotional problems of depression, anger and anxiety. In my years of therapy I have been diagnosed with PTSD; Severe Anxiety Disorder; Depression. I have also had two breakdowns and attempted suicide once,but thought about it at least three other times. Actually, as a child and teen trying to escape from my abuser I used to pray for God to show me mercy and please just take me away. "Please let me rest in peace!!" Each day I meet and communicate with more survivors like myself, some of them with stories either as horrific or even more devastating then mine. The stories don't have to be common for us though; it is instead the scars we carry that create our bond.
The emotional damage of the abused child can and most often does lead to eating disorders, self mutilation, high risk behavior and substance abuse. In fact many survivors cannot move past their nightmares and they get trapped by the haunting secrets they carry. Some end up in treatment facilities others end up homeless or even succeed at taking their own lives. It is these horrible secrets that we are forced to carry that will destroy or distort our lives. Just think for a moment about all of the happy, innocent children whose lives have been so completely changed by the predators within their own family bond. That is the deepest pain of all, someone you trust so intensely without ever doubting their actions, then turns on you and forces you to repeatedly accept their perverse behavior. Is there any deeper wound?
There are millions of survivors who have carried and kept these secrets of abuse. You may know them personally or work by their side. It may even be that you have noticed some personality issues and may suspect something is wrong with them, but many survivors are afraid to open up. They carry the fear of their family abandoning them; people judging and looking down on them with shame, pity; their professional standing or societal standing may even be at risk if they speak up. These are the survivors like me; they just keep swallowing all of the pain, the nightmares, pushing their feelings aside because they were never shown that what they felt mattered. No one comforted their pain or allowed them to cry. They were expected to bury their feelings and just move on with their life, so they did; never seeking help and never truly grieving over the child who got lost in the abuse. This was my life for over 30 years!!!!
Facing the pain we endured at the actions of another whom we trusted is a very difficult thing. Most often it is necessary for us to seek help in order to do this, but seeking help means talking and sharing those secrets that we cannot face. It is a vicious cycle of behavior and torment, personal torture as we walk on through our life. We try so very hard to succeed professionally, raise our family, love our children, but there is a haunting deep inside. These are the secrets of someone else's crimes. These are not actions that we committed against someone. Most of the family predators walk around proudly knowing that they have conquered the soul of a child and forced that child into secrecy, but they do not have the courage of that child. They can't let their friends and family know what they are truly like. It would be a disgrace to all for anyone to know how they attacked an innocent child. They are the true cowards and so are those in the family that force the child into keeping those secrets. They would rather destroy a child's life than have the predator punished for his actions. This also was my life.
For thirty some years I carried those secrets of the night time attacks; the inability for a child to bathe in safety; the sick evil that haunted and tortured a little girl for twelve years. These were my burden because my mother could not face her own guilt of allowing this devil access to her daughter. When I was finally able to speak and all of the shame boiled out into reality the anger began to fill the hole that was left inside. We don't truly see our own feelings of anger and disgust over these crimes against us until we are able to let out the secrets. Then, unless we have help to balance it out and support to know that it wasn't our shame, it is difficult to move past it. We often get trapped in that little mental ball bouncing around inside with emotions bursting out again causing us to explode in different manners with emotional and personality disorders.
In the U.S. alone we spend $2.1 BILLION each year to provide assistance to these survivors of childhood abuse. We also spend over $800 MILLION each year to provide mental health assistance to those who have been raped. The prison systems are overflowing with offenders and most often family predators are not even prosecuted. The dollar amounts we spend to help the survivors recover from these devastating crimes of personal destruction might somehow be alleviated if we were more supported in the beginning. I am sure that if I would not have been his prisoner for twelve years and my mother would have allowed me to get the help I needed that the live's of my children would not have been so deeply affected. The decisions I made in my life, the relationships I chose, all seemed to fit the same pattern of pyschological and physical abuse that I had suffered as a child. My therapist explained it and I have started referring to it as "trained" behavior. When we live in that environment of evil and disfunction as a child it is what we know and we most often follow that path; therefore continue accepting the degrading and physical assaults while the secrets of our past festor inside. The wound deepens in self torture.
It is through the process of sharing my story and supporting other survivors that I have finally been blessed with that sense of peace within. Every survivor of abuse has a story to share. Every story is a source of education for others. It is through talking about our own pain and the scars we have carried throughout our lives that we can help create a change in our society. We can help to influence others to join us in speaking out. We can talk with the children who suffer in the economical breakdown of our homes and allow them the support to share their own stories of pain. When we open up there will be those who turn against us but there is an entire society who will accept and comfort us as we heal. Survivors I am encouraging you to not let the secrets destroy you but instead to fight against them with your words of inspiration to others. Allow the world to see how truly strong and amazing you are. Allow them to appreciate what you have over come with so much burden you have carried. It is only by joining our voices, sharing our stories, supporting each others journeys that we will truly be able to heal from within and know that meaning of peace and happiness in our lives.
We all deserve roses in our garden of life!!
